I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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