I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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