apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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