I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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