Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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