This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
