my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Randomize
