Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
