Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
