why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
