I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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