I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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