Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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