he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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