Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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