My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
