this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We were destined to go to rehab together
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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