Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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