I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
