first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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