I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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