I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
