im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
