Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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