I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
