i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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