just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Boobs are out for the taking
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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