There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
