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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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