Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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