She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
