U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
