Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
