I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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