rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
