There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
