how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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