Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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