I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
