The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
