I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
