Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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