I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
