Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize