so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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