Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize