I think I died a long time ago.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
