Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
