I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
