Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
