Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
