maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
