great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
