Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
