i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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