What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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