In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
