Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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