The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I want to fling myself into the sun
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
