1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
