Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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