Little spoons don't ask big questions
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Randomize
