2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
